TW: suicide
I worked at a suicide hotline for 1.5 years and here are some things I learnt along the way. If you find them helpful then take what’s useful, but if you find them unhelpful then discard what I have said.
- Anyone can have suicidal thoughts
No one is immune to having suicidal thougths especially when the stressors of life get so overwhelming. The people who call and write in to the suicide hotline came from all walks of life, the young to old, it could be a friend, your family, a boss, a colleague, a neighbour.
2. People seek an anonymous listening ear
People are looking for a space where they can share honestly and not feel judged.
Many callers have said that they have never told anyone about their issues before and the only reason why they are sharing their issues was because I was just another unknown stranger on the other side of the line. If they knew me personally, they wouldn’t want to share with me.
Why do people not want to tell their friends or family? Some reasons they said are that they are worried about burdening their friends or family, or they are worried about their employer finding out and that having a record would affect their career prospects. So sometimes even just having a space where someone is listening non-judgmentally helps a lot.
3. Talking about suicide does not “plant” the idea in the person’s head
When starting out at the hotline, it was difficult to talk about suicide, it was not a topic or word I used in my everyday conversation. What helped me eased into talking about suicide and asking if callers were feeling suicidal was knowing that asking them about it will not plant the idea in their heads, rather it gives them an avenue to talk about their suicidality which they normally won’t have in their everyday lives.
4. An escape from the pain of living
To the suicidal mind, suicide is seen as a potential escape from the pain of living. The suicidologist Shneidman (experts who study about suicide) even coined the term “psych-ache” in 1993 to describe
“the hurt, anguish, soreness, aching, psychological pain in the psyche, the mind”
that those with suicidal thoughts feel. The psyche-ache often blinds the person to see other alternatives as potential solutions to their problems. Other than feeling the psych-ache, those who experience suicidal thoughts also feel a sense of hopelessness, that there is point trying or that no one can help, that you are stuck in a very deep hole. It might feel like being trapped at the bottom of a dark ocean.
5. Ambivalence in suicide
Often times when someone who feels suicidal call in, there’s ambivalance. It means that they have feelings of wanting to die but there’s also parts that want to live.
Suicide is a complex phenomena. There are various factors that contribute to a person feeling suicidal and it includes: background factors and triggering events, presence of coping skills to buffer against stressors, feelings of humiliation and defeat and feeling stuck in them.
For those who are nerdy- check out the integrated motivational-volitional model of suicidal behaviour by Rory O’Conner for a detailed explanation.
Keeping the ambivalence in mind gives me a little hope that when a person calls in feeling suicidal, that there might some things that are still anchoring them. It is for the hotliner and caller to collaborate together and uncover what are those things that help the caller hold on.
6. Knowing your limitations as a helper
After a call ends, I have no idea what the person is going to do. Of course, I hoped that by letting the person share, it’ll help the person feel a little better.
Even after doing this for some time, I still get worried especially if the line disconnects abruptly and the person is still highly suicidal. Thoughts like these run through my mind: “Are they going to proceed with their plan? Was there anything else I could have said better?”
Overtime, I took it in my stride that I couldn’t be sure of what would happen to the other person after the call ended, I could only do what I could while on the line with the caller.
7. Different parts of the mental health system
I realized that the crisis hotline plays a part in supporting those in crisis. The hotline is like a band-aid solution that brings down the emotional distress, and other professionals like psychiatrists, social workers, counsellors, and psychologists are the ones that work on deeper issues when the client is in a more stable state. There is a need for each of these parts to work together to support the client.
8. Suicide can be prevented
There are signs that indicate a person might be struggling with suicidal thoughts and they fall into: say, do, feel.
What does the person say?
- “I’m a burden to my family.”
- “I’m better off dead.”
- “There’s no point in me going on.”
How does the person act?
- Withdrawn
- Giving away precious belongings
- Researching on suicide methods
How are the emotions of the person?
- Extreme outbursts (e.g., anger, sadness, recklessness)
- Apathetic
- Humiliation or shame
Of course, someone struggling with a mental health condition might also display similar signs. If you have the courage, ask if they are thinking of hurting themselves. Support them in ways you know how and link them to the appropriate help.
For those who are already working with a professional, check with your professional about safety planning.
If you are interested to volunteer on the hotline, consider writing in to Samaritans Of Singapore.
If you are experiencing distress, please reach out to any one of these hotlines:
- Institute of Mental Health 24hr crisis line: 6389–2222
- Samaritans Of Singapore 24hr hotline: 1–767